


This is a love story

by xofunghoul



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, Fleabag - Freeform, Fleabag AU, M/M, Priest Joe Mazzello, Religious Content, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 16:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21641662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xofunghoul/pseuds/xofunghoul
Summary: The first person Ben meets that makes him feel something happens to be a fucking priest.
Relationships: Ben Hardy/Joe Mazzello
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	This is a love story

**Author's Note:**

  * For [watercolouredreams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/watercolouredreams/gifts).



> This is from a prompt thing my friend and cowriter Allie sent me on tumblr and it got out of control.  
> Based on the TV show Fleabag. Everything in italics is a direct quote from the show.

His mother is getting remarried. What a fucking joke all this is. This announcement. This engagement dinner. Here’s to love! Everyone chants and Ben puts on his best fake smile, chants it as well and thinks this ought to be one of the greatest performances of his life, he should be bringing this kind of material to his auditions, honestly. 

His soon to be step dad is an asshole who’s been clinging onto his mum even before she got divorced and now he’s there with a shit eating grin as if he’d just won something. And then there’s also his brother at this dinner, the prolific Michael with his recent promotion to dean of the Literature department. He loves him, he truly loves his brother and he would die for this cold hearted, workaholic asshole but his alcoholic bitch of a wife hates him for some reason and often drives them apart. Just like their family did all their life, constantly comparing them.

But here he is, putting on a brave face and listening to everyone’s self centered conversations that Ben desperately wants to comment with snark and sarcasm but he doesn’t and it’s good that he doesn’t because it feels like he’s invisible, like he’s not even there and if he successfully keeps his mouth shut throughout dinner maybe no one will think he’s the asshole of the family when he’s only just the honest one. It’s been 45 minutes of this dreadful fucking dinner and no one’s asked him question, he thinks.

_So, what do you do?_

He asks, as if he’d just read his mind. Currently sitting next to him is _The Priest_ , Joe, who’s going to officiate the wedding. For some reason Ben feels himself flush a little at the sudden attention so he clears his throat and sits straighter on his chair, then says he’s an actor, or trying to be one and his mom with her ever so condescending high pitch tone as if she’s asking about his third grade little play and not his fucking career, asks how’s that going and he says it’s actually going really well. Everyone nods because no one actually believes that and he’s fine with that, he’s used to it but then, he hears his sister in law chuckle and it sets him off. Nevertheless, instead of telling her to eat shit like he really wants to, he mumbles something under his breath and excuses himself to go for a smoke. 

His head is pressed against the bricked wall of the restaurant as he takes long deep puffs of smoke to calm his anxiety and when he’s almost done he sees someone coming from the corner of his eye and when he turns around, Joe’s walking towards him. 

_So do your family get together much or–_

The priest starts asking but he’s in no mood to get lectured by a higher power tonight so starts walking past him.

_Well, fuck you then._

When he turns around, Joe actually has a kind smile on his face instead of the annoyed look he was expecting at how rude he just was. And Ben feels something igniting inside of him. And he finds himself smiling back before he returns to the restaurant. 

For the rest of the evening he sits there, mouth shut again but listens intently at the questionnaire for Joe. They all pretend to be very interested and fascinated like they’ve never seen a priest before in their lives and this was a novelty. And then his sister in law asks if he oftens spends time with the family he’s going to marry and he says this is actually his first wedding. Joe came into priesthood later in life and he’s pretty young so it’s not very surprising to Ben but everyone else is astonished. 

So no, Joe doesn’t do this often but he’s glad he was invited to this dinner. 

_To be honest, I’m pretty fucking lonely._

The priest says and chuckles and everyone laughs hysterically as if loneliness was a big fucking joke. As if Ben hasn’t been drowning in it himself for the better part of his adult life. And he thinks that’s brave, saying that out loud, even if everyone takes it as a joke. Just letting it out, let it sit there for everyone to take and do with it as they please, even if the only thing they do is laugh. But Ben doesn’t. And they look at each other briefly among the laughter. 

_If you ever need someone to talk to or– you know. I’ll be there. I’m always there._

Joe hands him a napkin on their way out before everyone goes home and Ben thanks him and keeps it and thinks he’s never ever going to use it or see the man again until the wedding and never after that but his mind, and possibly his heart, even though is too soon to tell, don’t agree with him as he spends a great part of the day thinking about the Holy man and his brutal honesty and self deprecating jokes and kind eyes and his beautiful neck. He doesn’t even know how his thoughts come to that but they do, time and time again in that order. So there he finds himself, at mass one Sunday morning and Ben doesn’t buy into all the religion bullshit. He feels guilty enough on his own to have some higher power making him feel guilty too but there’s an unmistakable force pulling him towards this man and he’s here and he listens to his sermon and even chants Amen after the prayers are done and he watches the priest smile when he spots him in the crowd and they spend some time together afterwards and that’s not the last time they hang out and he’s coming to the realization that _Oh God, he fancies a priest._

_We’re not going to have sex. I know you think that’s what you want from me but it’s not._

Joe tells him one time because it’s obvious what Ben’s doing everytime they see each other. Ben is trying to make him question his faith, his career, his religion. He’s being selfish. He wants Joe and he wants him to chose him. And he sees the way the Holy man looks at him, even admits that he likes him but it amounts to nothing. Joe says he wants to be just friends and Ben lies and agrees. 

***

The first time it happens, they’re at church. It’s after a rather heartfelt confession from his part where Ben poured his soul out and talked about his fears and insecurities and doubts and how he has no fucking clue about what he’s doing with his life that at this point he’d even wish he’d believe in something, anything and even be Joe if he has to, to give him all the answers. To tell him what to do. 

_Kneel._

_Just Kneel._

The priest stands outside the door of the confessionary and Ben does as he’s told without a second thought and he doesn’t know where this is going but he doesn’t care right now as long as it leads somewhere and makes him feel something. And it does, it makes him feel everything there is to feel when Joe kneels in front of him and graces the skin of his face with the tip of his fingers with feather like touches and then he brushes his knuckles softly on his cheeks and he’s breathing over his lips. Joe lets go of his face and brings their lips together but they’re barely touching for a few seconds. Then Ben stands up and they stand up together as the kiss gets heated, faster, more desperate and soon there’re hands everywhere, on his hair and on Joe’s waist and he tries to unbuckle Joe’s trousers as they keep kissing and grinding their pelvis together and there’s moans inside each others their mouths as their pressed so tight against each other and then… there’s a sound. A painting falls at the front of the church and they take a step back and he’s looking at Joe like he’s silently begging him to stay but Joe doesn’t. He can’t, Ben knows it. Doesn’t make him any less desperate for him the man. 

_Please don’t ever come to the church again. I mean that with the greatest compliments._

And he doesn’t. He stays clear off of the church and God and the priest after Joe whips out a fucking excuse of a reason to not officiate his mum’s wedding. And Ben finds himself feeling that guilt again that he’s the worst thing that happened to his family even though they don’t know the wedding is ruined thanks to him. 

So he goes out and finds himself some mindless fuck to get his head off of everything and it works. Well almost, except his mind always goes back to Joe. But this is fine, they get drinks and she talks about herself all night and he listens and there’s no worry or concern. No deep conversations. No God or religion. No one is thinking about their souls being condemn into eternal damnation. Just some careless shag and he wants to stay in that bubble forever. 

But no such luck because here he is. Fucking Joe, at his door and he comes in and tells Ben he’s going to officiate the wedding after all, he doesn’t want to do that to Ben’s mum. And then he starts to give him reasons why they can’t have sex and Ben knows they will. He knows that’s why he’s here at his home. Joe wants this. Joe wants him. So he watches him trying to convince himself why he shouldn’t be doing this. 

_I can’t have sex with you because I’ll fall in love with you. And if I fall in love with you, I won’t burst into flames but my life will be fucked._

Oh but they will. And they do. Joe unbuttons Ben’s shirt slowly and opens it and sneaks his hands underneath it and rests them on his waist, warm against his skin as he looks at him and marvels at Ben’s toned body. Joe inches ever so slowly towards him, still looking down, like he wants to memorize every crease of Ben’s skin on his chest and abs and neck but Ben looks for Joe’s lips. And he finds them and matches them. Catches them. Seals them against his own in one swift movement. It’s just a short and precise kiss and they part. And then they’re looking into each other’s eyes and each other’s lips and soon they’re kissing again and there is nothing short about this one. One of Joe’s hands hold him pressed against his lips by the neck as his thumb brushes his jaw while his other hand has the same intention on Ben’s lower back. Joe lets out a delirious gasp against Ben’s opened mouth, even though they’re not even doing anything yet but the implication and anticipation seems to be driving Joe mad and Ben understands because he’s also mad. He has to be mad, not because he wants a man for the first time in his life, but because he wants a priest, of all people, to wreck him right now. Wreck his body as much as he has wrecked his life, his mind, his heart. 

In all of the years Ben’s had sex, every kind of it, he can’t quite remember the last time he felt like this. Or that he felt something that actually moved him, touched not only his body but his soul. He’s had sex before for various reasons; fun, stress release, distraction, some company. But this is completely different. This feels like more than that, more than anything and for a moment he’s scared shitless that he’s not going to feel this ever again after tonight. Nevertheless, he stays there, present as he holds Joe in his arms, lying on his back while he thrust inside of him with his whole body lying flushed against his own, Joe’s face is hidden in the crook of his neck where his lips are doing marvels at his pulse and all he can do is breath in and out and moan and gasp and cry out. There’s no words coming out of either of them only a melodic symphony of sounds of pure pleasure and adoration. Completely in tune and sync like a church choir singing praise. And he thinks that if this isn’t holy, he doesn’t fucking care to know what is. 

Ben hides away from the wedding and the family drama for a while to smoke a cigarette in peace at the narrow open air corridor beside the house but he finds Joe there, actually startles him. He was rehearsing his speech for the wedding and seems to be nervous about it. That confidence he always has about him, fake or not, seems to be completely undone today and Ben vaguely wonders if it’s because of him. They make a half assed attempt at small talk but it doesn’t work and when Joe wants to leave, he finds it that he can not walk past Ben and kiss him smack on the mouth and pins him to the wall and they’re deliriously making out again because there doesn’t seem to be another way to do it. 

_I can’t– I can’t. I don’t know what this feeling is._

Joe lets out the breathless confession after the short lived but never not intense kiss. Ben ventures to ask if the feeling is God or him. But Joe says he doesn’t know. Fuck you then, Ben says then, as a call back to one of their first interactions, while he watches Joe leave and go back to the wedding, but there isn’t an inch of spite or anger in the phrase. Quite the contrary, he’s laughing because that’s the only thing he can do right now, because everything is so fucking ridiculous that he actually wants to cry but he laughs, laughs at himself, at the priest and at God, if there is one. 

_When you find someone you love it feels like hope._

Is the final line on Joe’s speech which he delivered a little haphazardly at first but then he found his footing and ends in a hopeful beautiful note, just perfectly right for the wedding. But maybe not for them. Because when he finds Ben at the bus stop bench after the party, he looks defeated and Ben knows this is it. That Joe did not chose him. 

_Damn._

_Damn._

_You know, he worst thing is that I fucking love you. I love you._

Ben says. Joe tries to say something to that but he cuts him off. Their eyes are watering at the moment and they’re holding back as much as they can. 

_No no, don’t. Let’s just leave that out there for a second on its own._ He pauses and says it again for good measure and maybe as a last resort. _I love you._

Joe grabs one of Ben’s hands in his. He brushes his fingers, focus his eyes on them for a few seconds, then back at Ben with a broken smile and he says that _it’ll pass_ and Ben wants to argue, wants to scream. Wants to tell him that he doesn’t understand, that he’s probably never going to feel like this again, that he doesn’t want to either. But he says nothing. He’s not capable of emitting any sound out of his mouth. 

Ben watches Joe stand up from the bench, he’s decided to walk apparently and he tries to smile and joke that he’ll see him on Sunday at mass and Ben just huffa at him. And then Joe does the unspeakable. The worst thing he could possibly have done. The last attempt at tearing Ben’s heart apart. 

_I love you too._

He states with a single tear rolling down his cheek. 

And walks away. 

**Author's Note:**

> You guys didn't see this one coming did you? Neither did I!  
> Please let me know what you think of it! Sorry that, very unlike me, it doesn't have a happy ending.


End file.
